The last few weeks have been such an amazing and enriching time for me… the usual ups and downs aside… I’ve been blessed to be able to find my way back to a place of joy and peace unlike anything I have known in a long long time and sitting in church this morning I couldnt help being thankful that I am free to love and worship… free to go where I want when I want to… to do or say whatever I please… and tonight when Ma told me about the sad incidents of mobs attacking churches back home I realized once again how blessed I am to be free…
I’ve carried around so much baggage over the years – I’m not proud of it and I dare say that there have been many a time when I’ve tried to let them go but you see sometimes we get comfortable with the problems we carry around, they give us an excuse, something to hide behind…
I did just that… I hated the sad things that happened over the years but I wasnt truly willing to let them go either since that would mean I wouldnt have a reason to be low… I would have no reason to be shy or self conscious or unsure anymore… there would be no reason to feel sorry for myself… no one to blame my own shortcomings and weaknesses on… what a sad confession to come from someone who grew up in a God fearing, loving home surrounded by wonderful people all my life…?
But thank God for friends who dont think twice about telling me what should have been obvious all along (Anji – thank you!), and people who go on their knees night after night praying for me… I know I’ve reached this bridge today and am crossing over confidently partly because of them and solely because of His grace that kept drawing me back and His love that refused to let go… After 25 long years when I finally hit rock bottom I found loving arms gently cradling me – I know those arms were there all along…
Now I wake up every morning eager to face the day… I walk around with a joy that is independant of the situations around me… I cant help smiling as I walk along the streets and its always funny when I see people giving me these curious looks that ask “what is she smiling about?” those are the times I wish I could just take their hands and say to them “I’m smiling because the joy of my Lord is full and overflowing in me… He loves me and thats all that matters… and I’m ecstatic” It makes no logical sense but then who cares? It makes no logical sense that He would love me… but I know He does… He shows me everyday that even the minute, trivial details about me matter to Him… and you know what? That love is so fulfilling and absolute perfection that everything else fades into insignificance… I cant begin to explain what a truly wonderful thing it is… its like my whole being is just soaring and I want to shout it out from the highest buildings…
“I am free… I’m loved beyond measure…I’m whole… complete… HE LOVES ME!” =)
